Stuck in a Rut

It's not how I imagined it. As a kid you think life will go a certain way. You make plans. You think life works a certain way.  The older you get the more you realize that nothing is as it seems. you realize some things don't work out, sometimes the people you expect to always be around go away. The place you saw yourself going tends to look nothing like you picured, or you wind up in a different place altogether.

I had a plan once. I couldn't really tell you what happend to that plan. I guess it's easy to lose focus; it's esy to get sidetracked. My uncle once told me that people want to be stuck in a rut. They want to be in a place that's comfortable and familiar, and that they avoid change. I think that's an overgenralization, though. At least for me. The idea of knowing what you're doing, where you're heading, and what to expect is comforting. And the fear of the unknown does take some overcoming, but maybe it's the focus part, maybe I've lost it.  Maybe I run away too soon, maybe it's laziness. Maybe that's why people like their ruts. It takes less effort. Maybe it's just that there is too much out there to be settled in one rut forever... I haven't yet been able to find a rut I want to be stuck in.

There is so much to try, so many different experiences to have. I've always felt that choosing one meant closing the door to another. Like the idea of moving away, it's something I've always wanted to try. But I knew eventually I would want to come home, where my family is - the familiar I guess. But the familiar is only comfortable when it's not stifling. Trying new things, moving around, studying new topics helps break up the mundane, the tedium. Like going to law school, then art school, traveling through Europe, visiting Egypt, moving a lot finding where I fit, then writing a book about it all... Obviously this mentality is not conducive to having a family, marriage and all that. Maybe God knows better - I'd get bored. I would, by default, be permanantly stuck in that rut. I just have too much to try first.  Now all I have to do is go out and try them.

"They say, 'Be Yourself,' like you know exactly what that is...like you're a toaster or something...like there's only that one way to pop out you. Well maybe being me isn't just one thing. Maybe just searching for me is being me and not being them- being themselves...being toasters. Maybe being me is more like a breakfast cereal variety pack. Maybe that's what I'll be...today. But tomorrow, who knows?...maybe the blue plate special."